Dating Game

Blind Date Diary: Are You Familiar?

Carrie gets way too “familiar” with a freaky blind date

-Carrie Seim

I just got back from a blind date. The upside: He was on time. The downside: the 32 minutes that followed, in which my date confessed his love of Formula 1 racing, stone masonry and the fact that his girlfriend had just had a miscarriage.

We met at a fun but classy bar in New York’s West Village. Unfortunately, “Roger” was neither fun nor classy nor sane. Here’s how the nightmare unfolded:

Carrie: Hi! I’m Carrie.

Roger stares at me, nodding. The creepy smiling and nodding without speaking continues for several seconds. I try to convince myself that this is just shyness, not serial-killerness.

Carrie: So … this is a cool spot. Do you live around here?

Roger: No way! (Spoken as if I just asked if he lived in Baghdad City rather than the West Village) I’m from Yonkers. Are you familiar?

Carrie: Um …

Roger: It’s awesome, but I guess you wouldn’t know. So you’re from L.A.?

Carrie: Yeah. L.A.’s great, but I don’t miss my car. Traffic gets so annoying there.

Roger: I drove down today in my car. I love my car, couldn’t live without it. I’m passionate about cars. I’m passionate about car culture, in fact.

Way to impress the ladies, Roger.

Carrie: So, are you into NASCAR?

Roger: No way. Formula 1 all the way. It’s European. Are you familiar?

Carrie: Kind of.

Awkward silence where he smiles and nods at me.

Carrie: So, um, what kind of work do you do?

Roger: For money, for pleasure or for fun?

I choke on my drink, trying not to laugh directly in his face.

Carrie: Let’s hear all three.

Roger: I think people should define themselves by their pleasures, not by their jobs. Pleasure to me is everything I do outside of work – walking, thinking, cooking, looking at cars, silver work, the whole world is full of pleasures.

Carrie: Wow, that’s a lot of pleasure. So what do you do “for money”?

Roger: Dialysis tech. It sucks. But I’m thinking seriously about getting into massage therapy. All my friends think I’d be awesome at it. There’s a class starting next week and I’m seriously thinking about enrolling.

Carrie: Oh, that sounds like it could be good. Do you like massage?

Instantly cringe with regret upon asking that question.

Roger: I do, but I’m concerned about the strain to my hands.

Carrie: Oh. Yep. Guess that would be a job concern.

Roger: So I’m weighing my options.

Carrie: Cool.

Check watch – we’re 15 minutes in … my drink is drained. Crap.

Roger: I’m also really passionate about stone masonry. Are you familiar?

I laugh out loud. Right in his face.

Carrie: I’m sorry, I was just thinking about something else … that was funny … from before. Anyway, what makes you so passionate about stone masonry?

Roger: I love to build things with my hands.

Carrie: Oh, really? What have you built?

Roger: Silver jewelry. Mostly pendants of cars and stuff.

Carrie: Nice.

Roger: I know. I’ve made all kinds of silver car models.

Carrie: Awesome.

Roger: Have you ever gotten into focus groups?

Carrie: Um, what do you mean?

Roger: Like I volunteer for focus groups all the time. For extra cash. Are you familiar?

Carrie: I’ve really never met anyone that does that before.

Roger: Yep. I could really teach you some things.

Carrie: I think you already have, Roger.

I reach over to my handbag, ready to end this misery, when the following comes out of his mouth:

Roger: So do you have kids? Ever been pregnant?

Carrie: Excuse me?

Roger: I’m only asking because I almost had a kid once.

Carrie: (visibly cringing) What do you mean “almost”?

Roger: My girlfriend got pregnant. But it turned out ectopic. Are you familiar? And she lost the baby. Then she totally changed and got all weird and negative.

Carrie: Yeah, I’m guessing you might get “negative” when you lose a baby.

Roger: Yeah, it was weird, though, because at first we didn’t really want the baby. Then she completely changed.

WTF! WTF! WTF!

Carrie: Whaa when did this happen?

Roger: Um, let’s see. Well, it’s gotta be now … um, about … two months ago now. Wow. It sucked.

Carrie: I don’t know what to say.

And that’s when I stand up and leave. Because as much as I love a good story, miscarriage talk on a first date is too creepy even for me. Roger, unfazed by my abrupt exit, calls me the next day.

Roger: Hey, it’s Roger from last night.

Carrie: Roger?? Sorry … I’m not familiar.

Tell us: how do you survive a really awful blind date?