Why I Will NEVER Blind Date Again!

After 20 blind dates in six months, I’ve had my fill. Forever.

-Evette Brown

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“Evette, I have the perfect someone that I would love for you to meet. He’s cute and I think he is just the man for you. You need to forget about what’s-his-name and move on!”

Sigh. I’ve heard that same line from different friends more times than I can even begin to count on two hands and feet. What’s worse? These blind hookups with the “perfect someone” never end well. After almost 20 blind dates in six months, I have officially declared to all those who will listen (so, no one) that I am not blind dating ever again!

I mean, blind dating could be fun if I was like Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates and I couldn’t remember them after I woke up. But since I have nearly perfect memory, I am swearing blind dating off like the plague! Had one of these blind dates turned into the monogamous relationship that I’m on the hunt for, or even a random romantic midnight stroll, I could be satisfied. I would even settle for a third date at the hot dog stand at this rate, but all of these guys have struck out like [insert baseball metaphor here]. So, what’s my solution? Avoiding them all together!

Here are a few reasons why.

1. I am a proud member of the curvy girls club, but some of these men that I am being forced into dating have no interest in purchasing a membership to this exclusive organization. It’s hard to eat spaghetti at a fab Italian restaurant when it’s clear that the person you are sharing rolls with has no interest in the rolls under your shirt.

2. You’ve heard that TLC song, “No Scrubs”, right? Well, I keep being set up on amusement park dates with said scrubs. Having to pay my way…and his…into Six Flags was the sign I needed that us going on a second date was definitely not in our future. Regardless of what the Six Flags fortune teller told us.

3. That awkward moment of silence after the date has ended. The date was mediocre, so seeing each other again is a definite no. But, how do you explain to someone that even sharing an ice cream cone is not in our future dating cards? The “call me sometime” line works, especially since I know that my phone will never light up with his number again.

4. Ever been on a fabulous date at the movies, feeding each other popcorn, and watching the perfect romantic comedy? Yep, that was the making of the perfect date … until his girlfriend burst through the movie theater doors searching for him.

5. I thought chivalry was dead. Until he had to open the driver’s door for me to climb over to get out of the car because the dented passenger’s door wouldn’t open for me. How romantic. What joy it was to pull down my mini skirt to keep from flashing my undies to passerbys as I climbed across the console, trying to keep from hitting the radio knobs with my kneecaps.

So, what was that about blind dating? Oh yeah, I’m not doing it!

Evette Brown is a regular contributor to Betty Confidential.